THE
BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS (1961)Director: Anthony Cardoza
Image Entertainment
THE
BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS (1961)When it
comes to pain, the name of bit-part-actor-cum-filmmaker Coleman Francis quickly
comes to mind. Most people would respond with "Who?" I wish I could
be like them sometimes and forget that I've suffered through his movies. His
obsessions with death, pain, coffee, misery, pain, coffee, airplanes and death
lead one to a higher-plain of unique filmmaking and are enough to drive anyone
spare. Take for example, one of my favorite lines from his second mess-terpiece,
THE SKYDIVERS where two young non-actors talk about the sacred subject of coffee--their
deliveries so wooden that you could build an entire city out of them:
LADY: "Would you care for some coffee?"
MAN: "Coffee?" (lowers suitcase, stands up straight) "I LIKE
coffee!"
Wow. Rarely does a filmmaker capture the intensity of such a taboo cinematic
topic like Java.
THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS was Coleman's first attempt at making a movie and, some say, should have been his last. To cut the cost considerably, Coleman and B-Movie producer/actor/filmmaker extrordinaire, Anthony Cardoza, shot the film without sound and we are treated to irrational, irrelevant and otherwise irritating narration by Coleman himself throughout the course of the 54-minute (which only seems like hours) film. "Flag on the moon... how did it get there?" Thank you, Mr. Francis.
Ed Wood regular Tor Johnson (always my choice for starring role) 'stars' as Dr. Joseph Javorksy, a defecting Russian scientist on his way to a top secret meeting with army brass at an A-Bomb testing site in "Yucca Flats" (presumably in Nevada). After somehow managing to exhume his massive 300 pound body from a tiny airplane, the Swedish Angel has a brief meeting with fellow Ed Wood regular Conrad Brooks and prepares to go about his merry way to the testing grounds when two Soviet agents (Tony Cardoza and John Morrison), "...two of the Kremlin's most ruthless agents!," ('worthless agents' is more accurate as they couldn't shoot the broad side of a barn at point blank range) arrive and try to shoot him down. How does one manage to miss a target like Tor Johnson from about 25 feet, anyway?
Speeding away in an automobile (Tor? Automobile? Speeding?), the Commies pursue him to the testing grounds. After both his driver and personal aide are shot down (award-winning death scenes if I ever saw), Tor flees into the wasteland just as a stock-footage A-Bomb explosion occurs, killing the Russian agents... but not Javorsky. Wait, wait, wait... you mean just any ol' schmuck could simply stroll out into the A-Bomb testing grounds in Nevada? That's gotta be a fine How-do-you-do?, eh? There you are, walking along on a nice, sunny day: "Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum... (explosion) Uh-oh..." It's masterful storytelling like this that make Coleman Francis fans glad he's dead.
After somehow surviving the blast, the horribly mutated Beast (Tor after an apparent 32-second session with make-up 'artist'/actor/producer Larry Aten) wanders about the land: residing in a cave high on a plateau, he carries a big stick, shouts a lot at nothing, and kills the occasional person. He also seems to have developed a hair-fetish.
Anyhow, after killing a man and woman who merely stopped to change their flat-tire, Jim and Joe, two patrolmen (Bing Stafford and Larry Aten) start a manhunt (it's just the two of them) to find the homicidal maniac responsible when all they need to do is simply arrest Coleman and execute him in the town square. Enter a carload of 60's white, God-fearing, normal-folk, The Radcliffes (some guy along with Coleman's wife and two boys). When they also have to pull off the road to change a flat (did Tor go about miscellaneously laying nails on the road to acquire victims or something?), the two boys decide to explore the bleak landscape and wind up getting lost. Mom is too incompetent to observe them--watching her husband change the tire is far more interesting. Who knows, she may have to do it herself someday. Nah, what would she know... she's only a WOMAN after all, right Coleman?
Dad decides to go searching for the children. The children somehow managed to have been chased by Tor and are now hiding in his cave (Tor, just hold them hostage and demand Coleman cease his filmmaking activities!). Meanwhile, Dad discovers a sign reading "Keep Out - Government Property Missile Range" on a barb-wire fence (radiation can not pass barb-wire fencing--I read it somewhere myself--which also explains the surprising amount of foliage around considering the AEC is right next door). He continues his search, almost displays an emotion, and before you know it, he's "caught in the wheels of justice" as the two patrolmen mistake him for the homicidal maniac and begin to pursue him across the countryside ("Shoot first, ask questions later.") by plane and by foot (I swear he gets shot down at least three times and still gets up and runs away). That wacky Coleman Francis! Ha-ha! What a joker!
...sorry...
Eventually, as the film nears it's conclusion and your IQ has dropped by 67% (providing you haven't fallen asleep--in which case it's only dropped 63%), Dad makes his way to safety from the future LAPD patrolmen, the kids escape Tor's lair (eeew, can you just imagine the smell?), Tor is shot dead by the patrolmen and Mom and kids are reunited. In a final touching scene, a wittle cute bunny-wabbit hops up to Tor's dying body--he holds it in his hand as he dies and the bunny wicks his face. Awwww... it brings a tear to your eye... mainly because you just realized that YOU JUST WASTED YOUR TIME AND MONEY WATCHING THIS WRETCHED PIECE OF INEPT FILMMAKING!
It's no wonder that the entire Coleman Francis trilogy (BEAST, SKYDIVERS and RED ZONE CUBA) made it to Mystery Science Theater 3000. Personally, I love the movie. But then, I'm a movie-masochist, so what the hell would I know?
After his filmmaking career finally ceased, the Oklahoma-born Coleman Francis continued to appear in movies throughout the 60's (including several Ray Dennis Steckler movies as well as Russ Meyer's BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS in 1970) and eventually died of arteriosclerosis on January 15, 1973--nine days before his 54th birthday. I would love to someday contact his children (if they haven't gone or been forced into hiding, that is) and spend a day talking about their father's movies (if anyone knows their current whereabouts, please contact me). My wife even has a special 'Coleman Francis' selection at her coffee shop in honor of this late, great Z-Movie pioneer.
Okay, enough small talk, onto the DVD. Image's transfer is probably the best I've ever seen (if that means anything to anybody, that is) with a full frame 1.33:1 presentation (the original theatrical aspect ratio, I believe) and the sound is a decent English mono track (come on, you seriously didn't expect 5.1 Dolby Digital from a Coleman Francis/Tony Cardoza film, did you?). The menu is the first 4 Chapter Selections with the two options of 'Start Movie' and 'Next' which takes you to the last 4 Chapter Selections. Sure, it would've been nice to see some additional features on here, but I doubt that very few bits even survived (or were made, for that matter). Hey, a very decent transfer for being one of the foulest movies ever made. But perhaps we should thank our lucky stars and hope that Coleman's other two movies never see the light of DVD...?
I LIKE coffee! (Adam Becvar: bastardo@thegrid.net )