Director: Alan Roberts
Secret Key Motion Pictures

Before passing in June of 1996 of cirrhosis of the liver, cute as a button Rene Bond left behind a body of work as fruitful and perky as her own. Often noted for her appearances in many a Harry Novak production, including COUNTRY HOOKER, COUNTRY CUZZINS and PLEASE DON’T EAT MY MOTHER, and hardcore films such as TEENAGE FANTASIES, TEENAGE SEX KITTEN, and DO YOU WANNA BE LOVED?, Rene’s warm smile and small, sultry frame sent hearts racing throughout the 1970s. Reported to have starred in over 300 films and loops, Rene’s bankability is clearly without question and leaves little doubt as to why Secret Key would so prominently display her on this collection's cover despite the fact that Rene is seen on screen for all of one minute. Hey, it got my attention.

Not to be confused with Jerald Intrator’s THE SEXPERTS, THE SEXPERT (51:16) is for all intents and purposes a silent softcore comedy. The film follows Finster Fahrquart (Stan Ross) through a series of vignettes in which the hopelessly inept man about town tries and fails to get laid. As a means of helping the befuddled bachelor, Finster is presented with a “series of encounters” each designed to educate and instruct Fahrquart in the ways of love. Kicking off with a tantalizing striptease, the film cycles through a series of sexual set-ups that find Finster set up on a computer date, stumbling upon a sexually aggressive farmer's daughter, befriending a not so innocent virgin, picking up of a horny housewife at the local grocery store and enticed by three young masseuses, but not once is he ever able to seal the deal. Finster eventually resorts to the private sector only to find himself short changed when he is only able to pay for five minutes of his “date’s” time. Finally after failing to find a willing partner at a psychedelic orgy, complete with topless dancers, far out tunes and a python, Finster retreats home, sick and defeated. But just when old Fahrquant is ready to throw in the towel, fate steps in and presents him with the one sure fire way to land a date.

Stan Ross' silent performance is the very definition of camera mugging. With a pair of peepers to rival Marty Feldman, Ross invokes Chaplin and Keaton in his portrayal of the confused counterculture tramp, Finster Fahrquart, and succeeds on all fronts. Ross carries every comedic scenario on his shoulders alone and does so without a single word spoken. Of course Ross has plenty of eye candy with which to croon, ogle and fawn over with the aforementioned Ms. Bond being the most recognizable of said bunch. As previously mentioned a pre boob job Rene is present though her screen time passes in seconds. Her appearance, brief as it is, is however quite memorable - her crotch is turned into every sweet tooth’s wet dream - helping to ensure that THE SEXPERT succeeds in tickling more than just your funny bone.

Presented with THE SEXPERT are four short films, each roughly 30 minutes in length. In THE PICTURE BOOK OF LOVE (34:40) a con man fleeces a naive and portly mark out of $80 by passing off a kid’s toy ring as the genuine article. The mark however doesn't hold onto the ring for very long as he subsequently presents the item to a prostitute for services rendered. The irony of the whole ordeal is that the hooker just so happens to work for the con man who is none to pleased when presented with the transaction. In between the game of pass the ring there is an exchange between an incredibly annoying bar patron and a stripper that seems to last forever. Mere seconds into her act, the sultry stripper is accosted by said agitating fellow who hops up on stage to ensure that his entertainment gets all of her clothes off in a speedy and efficient manner. He also aids in helping her pop a squat on skull and candle! It's certainly one way to douse a candle. The stripper eventually gets fed up with the touchy feely patron and stomps off stage to complain to her boss. She is not however so miffed as to rebuff the same irritating stranger's sexual advances back in her dressing room. The picture ends with a rather nauseating threesome between the con man, his sole employee and an older woman who could pass for Edith Massey’s younger sister.

SKI PARTY (37:57) features several softcore scenes intercut with footage of snow falling, people skiing and little else. While hands down the most pedestrian film in this collection, at least in terms of its settings and set- ups, SKI PARTY does feature the most buxom actresses of this set which when given the number of hairy men’s asses on display in BOOK OF LOVE is a Godsend. LEID IN HAWAII (35:30) follows two young ladies who after landing in the Aloha State are instantly preyed upon by a pair of beaver eager bachelors. Once at their hotel, the two men attempt to get into the pants of their fellow travelers, though only one succeeds in such a conquest. Don’t feel too bad for his partner however, as he gets his turn later on, on the floor of a public men’s restroom! As HAWAII progresses it becomes decidedly more aggressive and random with carnal encounters escalating from sex scenes in front of hotel balconies to ones of jungle rape in the blink of an eye.

SCHOOL OF LOVE (30:16) stands out from the pack thanks to the much welcomed involvement of Monica Gayle (SWITCHBLADE SISTERS). Monica plays a young wife who after hearing a heated, nude argument (what loving couple hasn’t argued in the buff) between her neighbors Laura and John, encourages the young couple to attend the School of Love. It may cost $100 dollars a day but Monica and her husband Harry swear by its methods. John and Laura agree to give the school a try and thrust themselves into the schools curriculum the following day. After brief introductions, Laura is separated from John who receives a private lesson from the school's head mistress, an older gal who I would consider more of a Sabertooth Tiger than a Cougar. Laura in tow has her own physical encounter with Monica, who simply can not keep her hands (and other parts) off of Laura once they are alone. Relieved of their clothes and certain bodily fluids, the couple is separately shown the school's campus, including the whipping room which doubles as the “oral” report room. A series of threesomes drive home the day’s lesson, leaving the couple with the knowledge necessary to get a passing grade on their homework.

All five films are presented widescreen (1.78:1) and are labeled as “Enhanced Editions”. Nowhere is it stated exactly what has been enhanced for each film present but it does appear that in most cases the term is referring to cleaned up title cards and in some cases additional audio elements. Running lines and scratches, while present on all five films, vary in their prevalence and while it appears that THE SEXPERT (which has been available from Something Weird Video on both VHS and DVD-R but makes its DVD debut with this release) is mostly intact, the additional, shorter films often feel disjointed, as if spliced together from separate prints and possibly cropped as to hide any hardcore action. While the mono audio for THE SEXPERT is suitably sufficient, the same can not be said for the rest of this collection. In the case of THE PICTURE BOOK OF LOVE, dialogue is so distant that it is almost inaudible. Likewise SKI PARTY’s muffled dialogue is close to incoherent, not that the dialogue is important or even necessary. SCHOOL OF LOVE holds up well enough but those actually interested in hearing what is being said would best be advised to turn the volume way up.

Extras for this collection include a “Grind It!” feature which allows you to play the films back to back and inter-cut with trailers for ALL THE SINS OF SODOM, the DEEP THROAT COMEDY COLLECTION, PUNK ROCK/PLEASURE PALACE and the WILD, NUDE AND NATURAL COLLECTION, which looks very promising. While low on footage of Rene Bond, Secret Key’s GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS OF THE 1970s is a tantalizing, if not at times curious collection centered around a sex comedy full of groovy chicks and a handful of solid chuckles. (Jason McElreath)