I BOUGHT A VAMPIRE MOTORCYCLE (1990) Blu-ray
Director: Dirk Campbell
Kino Lorber

The post-seventies slump in British horror flatlines with Kino Lorber's Blu-ray of the horror-comedy I BOUGHT A VAMPIRE MOTORCYCLE.

Hapless biker Nick Oddie, or "Noddy" (MEN BEHAVING BADLY's Neil Morrissey) blows £1500 on a damaged vintage Norton Commando whose "one careful owner, now deceased" had an "accident with a crossbow." While repairing the damage to the bike, buddy Buzzer (Daniel Peacock, EAT THE RICH) swipes the chrome gas tank cap and subsequently loses his head: "It's not like Buzzer to go all to pieces," Noddy tells garlic-breathed Inspector Cleaver (Michael Elphick, THE ELEMENT OF CRIME). Oddly, the bike seems to have an aversion to sunlight and garlic prawns, and soon proves to have a life of its own when it takes Noddy for a ride and sets a grease trap for the Road Toad gang who were responsible for the death of its Satanist owner. Noddy doesn't believe his girlfriend Kim (Morrissey's then-wife Amanda Noar) when she winds up in the hospital after an unplanned ride; however, he is forced to consult a priest (Anthony Daniels, STAR WARS' C3P0) when the bike spits out blood and body parts from its exhaust pipe after it goes out at night prowling to replenish its gas tank with blood. The priest attempts an exorcism, but that just makes the bike madder and more bloodthirsty.

One of the handful of low-budget British horror films during the overall post-1970s slump in British filmmaking, with studios like Amicus and Tigon dissolved, Hammer dormant, and independents Pete Walker (FRIGHTMARE) retired and Norman J. Warren (SATAN'S SLAVE) directing TV soaps, I BOUGHT A VAMPIRE MOTORCYCLE is a tacky mishmash of CHRISTINE and THE CAR with a smattering of AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (with reproachful apparitions of Buzzer popping up in the strangest places including a toilet as talking fecal matter) and a simultaneous double decapitation out of HORROR HOSPITAL. The running time is padded out with Elphick's detective skulking about, Noddy's run-ins with the bike gang, and the stalking and dismemberment of various victims. To its credit, the film is not thrown together in front of the camera. The filmmakers make economical use of locations, keeps the pacing quick (meaning gags that tank are soon forgotten like an one-joke appearance by THE PINK PANTHER's Burt Kwouk as Chinese takeout restauranteur "Fu King"), and slathers on the blood and gore courtesy of Bob Keen and Image Animation (HELLRAISER). The mechanical effects of the motorcycle are not as accomplished as those of CHRISTINE but do find some novel ways to maim the unsuspecting (the busted front headlight becomes a mouth with the broken glass remaining in the frame as teeth). I BOUGHT A VAMPIRE MOTORCYCLE is not the worst British horror film of the late 1980s – although I'd kill for a Blu-ray of PREDATOR: THE QUIETUS – but viewers may have to be a certain mood for what meagre pleasures it offers.

Unreleased theatrically or on home video in the United States, the film was briefly available on DVD from Redemption Films in 2009 in a widescreen transfer with some video featurettes but lacking the commentary featured on M.I.A.'s 2005 British collector's edition. The film was released on Blu-ray first in the UK from Screenbound Pictures, but it was given a 1080i25 transfer which runs four percent faster than Kino Lorber's 1080p24 MPEG-4 AVC 1.85:1 widescreen Blu-ray. Although given a 4K remaster, the image is never going to stun, with many night exteriors underlit (one of the commentator's remarks that "there's only so many ways you can grade pitch black" of the DVD edition applies equally here). The blood gushes vividly red and the make-up effects do not always convince but still provoke a visceral reaction. The Dolby Stereo track is occasionally adventurous with the bike scenes, but the scoring gets the most spread on the DTS-HD Master Audio 2.0 track. Optional English SDH subtitles are also included.

Ported over from the Blu-ray is the commentary track with director Dirk Campbell, writers John Wolskel – who teamed up with Morrissey again just recently for CRUCIBLE OF THE VAMPIRE (forthcoming on Blu-ray and DVD in the UK from Screenbound) – and Mycal Miller along with actor/critic Alan Frank. It's a lively track in which Miller's delineation of his input into the script and production leads the jokingly others to also blame him for everything that also went wrong. They point out the many family members who were extras – although some of them did possess equity cards as actors or crew on other productions – advice gleaned from the likes of Sam Raimi (Campbell having ruined the paintwork of his brother's white car when he painted a stripe on it so it could double as a police car), and production trivia: the real Norton Commando belonged to Morrissey, the 1:1 scale model of it had a fuel gauge even though the original did not so that they could show when the tank was full, and Morrissey's and Noar's female dog had to be trained to raise it leg to urinate on the bike.

Carried over from the DVD editions and more focused is "We Made a Vampire Motorcycle" (40:20), a retrospective featurette featuring Noar, Daniels, Peacock, associate producer Jim Allan, and more. Miller and Wolskel met in an editing room and spent free time dreaming up horror film ideas, pitching the film originally as about a "were-bike" to Campbell with an audio trailer which they used to seek investors for the film. Producer/casting director Esta Charkham (CHARIOTS OF FIRE) reveals that the pair were working for her on the TV series BOON when they made this project on the side utilizing series actors Elphick and Morrissey, Morrissey's bike, as well as the housing block which had been rented, set dressed, and lit for the third season of the series (with Allan extending the contract for rental of the property), as well as pinching the composer Dean Friedman (EERIE, INDIANA) she had imported from America to score the series (Charkham would end up doing a vocal cameo on a payphone as a police sergeant's nagging wife). Also included are a pair of jokey featurettes "The Vampire’s Lair" (3:49) in which Dirk and company pull the motorcycle model out of the darkness of his backyard shed where it has been guarded by a family of hedgehogs, and "Where Are They Now?" (3:16) in which Wolskel is a homeless wino having been "cheated" out of the money he made from the picture by Campbell and Miller who promised a sequel. The disc also includes the film's theatrical trailer (2:21) and trailers for RAWHEAD REX and NIGHT ANGEL. The case comes with a reversible cover. (Eric Cotenas)

BACK TO REVIEWS

HOME