KISS
ME QUICK! (1964)Director: Peter Perry
KISS
ME QUICK! (1964)An overweight Stan Laurel impersonator alien named Sterliox (Fred Coe) is sent to Earth from the Buttless Galaxy by his supreme commander to find "the perfect female specimen." The Buttless people have only one sex and reproduce at will, dividing in two when they feel the desire, and have completely forgotten about sex and all that other fun stuff. Losers.
And so, begins KISS ME QUICK!, quite possibly the best nudie film ever made. Co-produced by sexploitation king Harry Novak (a big round of applause, folks) and featuring cinematography by the world-renowned Laszlo Kovacs (who later shot GHOSTBUSTERS and CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND to name a few), KISS ME QUICK! features a plethora of nudie beauties and some of the worst jokes you've ever heard (but I still laughed).
Sterilox beams into the laboratory of Dr. Breedlove played by Jackie De Witt, made to look like Dr. Strangelove, complete with a ridiculous fake nose, glasses and an uncontrollable arm (he also sports some "crackled" face paint and a Bela Lugosi accent and resembles what might have happened if Judd Nelson joined an 80s punk band). Aside from a lab full of women, the good doctor also keeps around a few familiar faces: a Frankenstein Monster (who used to be Fanny Stein until she became a man and changed her name), Selfish (a mummy whose name is due to the fact that she's "wrapped up in herself") and an old Dracula who costs the poor scientist a lot in dental bills.
Dr. Breedlove introduces the completely naive Sterilox to his sex machine: a device that turns ladies into real horn-dogs. Sterilox just doesn't get it. But after viewing the likes of Althea Currier, Claudia Banks, the somewhat nasty Natasha and several other lovely ladies (with names like Miss Gigi String) gyrating around and shaking their posteriors for about an hour (complete with bad jokes by the male leads), Sterilox finally literally finds his dream machine: the doctor's "Duz-All" Machine that does anything for you (cooks, cleans, etc.) for only 25 cents (I could use one of those). He also, reluctantly, takes Dr. Breedlove's assistant, Kissme (who should've bought the next size up bra, but I suppose that's the point, now isn't it?) along since she comes with the machine (or something to that effect). Hey, I liked it.
Next up is HOUSE ON BARE MOUNTAIN, which is only really notable for makeup by B-Movie Makeup Master, Harry Thomas. This film features co-producer Bob Cresse portraying Granny Good (in drag), who runs a "finishing" school where all of the ladies work in the nude. The ladies in this film come nowhere near comparing to the ones in KISS ME QUICK! A weird looking Dracula shows up for the annual Halloween ball to spike the punch and check out the ladies, a Frankenstein monster is also on hand to make you wonder if you're hallucinating or not, Granny's werewolf, Krakow, is on the prowl for a lady-friend and, to make matters worse, the Feds are plotting a bust (no pun intended)! Will Granny Good make it to the end safely? Aww, who the hell cares? Just watch the damn film anyway!
Image/Something Weird has cranked out another fun DVD. The two features are only viewed separately (no Drive-In option here) but that's probably due to the fact that KISS ME QUICK! contains an optional commentary track by Harry Novak and Mike Vraney (of SWV) which, in itself, is worth the price of the DVD.
Also included are several short subjects: HOT HOT SKIN and THE NUDIE WATUSI featuring several of the lovely KISS ME QUICK! starlets, NATASHA'S SUBURBAN SEXERCISE and STRIP TEASE QUEEN both featuring Natasha, WEREWOLF BONGO PARTY which is the only B&W short here and features full-frontal nudity and, finally, THE VAMPIRE AND THE VIXEN, a very brief (3 minutes) short which, along with some of the other shorts, are apparently snipped from longer films. The trailers for both of the main features are also included as well as the usual "Gallery of Sexploitation Art with Radio-Spot Rarities." The mono audio on the two films sounds fine to me, but the sound is a bit deteriorated on some of the shorts (no surprise since these things have been floating around for years). I also discovered two Easter Eggs: the first on the main page (scroll up 'til you see a pair of lips appear) and the second in the Special Features page (arrow over to Harry's Commentary and then up to highlight the creature's arm). Each egg only features a brief scene from one of the films--that's it. The DVD case also contains very informative liner notes (over two pages worth) by the great Frank Henenlotter. (Adam Becvar: bastardo@thegrid.net )