MISSILE
TO THE MOON (1958)Director: Richard E. Cunha
Image Entertainment
MISSILE
TO THE MOON (1958)How do you make a bad movie? Well, you can hire Ed Wood or Jerry Warren to direct or employ John Agar to star... or you can always take the Richard E. Cunha approach and simply remake another bad movie. Such is the case in his epic, MISSILE TO THE MOON. Needing a co-feature for his equally inept classic, FRANKENSTEIN'S DAUGHTER, Dickie-boy took the dastardly infamous CAT WOMEN OF THE MOON and, through the miracle of half-assed movie magic, transformed it into MISSILE TO THE MOON.
Okay, so some suspiciously older-looking "juvenile delinquents" Lon (Gary Clarke) and Gary (Tommy Cook) hide out in a rocket ship (back in the day when security around experimental scientific rockets wasn't necessary) and are discovered by scientist Dirk Green (Michael Whalen) who decides to use them as his copilots in an ultra-secret rocket trip to the moon. Before the rocket has a chance to launch, however, Dirk's partner Steve (Richard Travis) and his fiancée June (Cathy Downs), curious to find out what the hell Dirk's doing out in the rocket this time of night, manage to get aboard the rocket and WHOOSH!, they're all off to the moon.
Well, things kinda go from bad to really bad on the way to the moon: Gary thinks he's an incredibly sexy-bitch and puts the magical moves on June, much to June's dismay (brought back some painful memories of my own, it did) and before you know it, Dirk and Gary are fighting it out. Luckily for them, the same group of aluminum-foil meteors that attacked every other spaceship back in the 50s threaten to almost hit the ship -- the fact that they're slightly transparent puts their fears at ease. During the meteor storm, a large, unsightly battery (sitting on top of a high shelf!) begins to fall. Dirk, like the dumb-ass he is, runs to push it back on the shelf and gets it right on top of his head (unfortunately, gravity was also on the "not necessary" list along with security at this time). Before dying, he hands Steve (so was EVERY hero in the '50s named STEVE?) a medallion and informs them where to go on the moon.
So, how does Dirk know all of this? Well, turns out Dirk is actually an alien from the moon! Yep, that's right. Dirk was sent Earthward several decades ago to obtain technical information on our planet for an intended invasion. So much for that, eh?
Upon landing, our heroes walk around a lunar surface that makes one say "Wow, the moon looks a LOT life Southern California!" and discover gigantic rock-monsters that resemble Gumby. Careful to keep near the cliffs so as not to burn up in the direct sunlight (...uh-huh, sure...), they discover a cavern. Inside, they find a burning torch -- which means oxygen! Taking three or four hours to strip out of their terribly complicated space-suits, they venture further into the cave only to discover a lost city inhabited by...BABES!
The leader of these Lunar Lovelies, the Lido (KT Stevens), welcomes the visitors and thanks to Dirk's medallion, they soon believe that Steve is Dirk and begin making preparations for Dirk's wedding to Alpha (Nina Bara) -- again, much to June's dismay. Well, to make an already long review that much shorter, things now go from really bad to "Well, that's the end of this life!" as Alpha plots to kill the Earthlings and take Steve for herself, June is sentenced to die at the hands of a vicious, gigantic spider (the same one from CAT WOMEN... only more lifeless this time), Gary goes on a diamond-hunt when he discovers the valuable gems grow rampart all over the place, and Lon finds true love -- only to lose her when she bravely gives up her life to save the others. Then the moronic Gary gets burnt to a crisp on the way back to the ship since he was overcome with greed and manages to get into the direct sunlight. PHEW!
Image's DVD is better than one would think: the full framed (1.33:1) print is VERY clear -- the best I've seen in a long time. There are a number of splices and deterioration in the film used for the transfer, but they're hardly worth complaining about. The sound is in mono, but the sounds are very well mixed and I was quite pleased. Usually, on an Image release like this, one expects the movie and maybe the trailer. Well, no trailer this time, but I was surprised and extremely delighted to see a Photo Gallery selection on the main menu. What follows are 40 rare, behind-the-scenes photos (the first few even in COLOR!) lasting 6 seconds each which show the cast and crew, the truly horrendous sets (including that of my favorite: the ordinary, wooden Earth-style door with a very Earth-looking key just sitting there in the Lost Lunar city. Gotta love it.), and above all, the lovely ladies portraying the Moon-Muchachas.
So, all in all, a fine DVD for a wonderfully atrocious mess-terpiece which I would recommend to all bad-movie lovers without any hesitation whatsoever. And remember, if a large, unsightly battery on a high shelf is wiggling around, just let it fall or send someone completely useless to fix it. (Adam Becvar: bastardo@thegrid.net )