TREASURE
OF THE AMAZON (1985)Director: Rene Cardona, Jr.
Japan Shock/Italian Shock (Netherlands) Region 0, NTSC
TREASURE
OF THE AMAZON (1985)Many of the good citizens of the world aren't even aware that Mexican Cinema exists, yet it does. For anyone who's slightly familiar with it, the name Rene Cardona, Jr. can bring a lot of pain--others might be suckered in like the poor fools that they are. However, when Mexico co-produces a film with the good ol' US of A, you're guaranteed to witness a big ol' heap o'trash!
Now, being a fan of bad, trashy movies, something like TREASURE OF THE AMAZON(S) is great fun, but I had never picked it up (despite it being available on VHS from Video Search of Miami who I once ordered a LOT of titles from) but I had seen the trailer for it on a Video Search of Miami tape I used to have (it was HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD, complete with Spanish subtitles that fly off the screen) and it greatly intrigued me. It's got everything a trash-fan could love: An all-star international "B" cast, jungle excitement, topless women, gore, beautiful exotic locations, headhunters, a bunch of fools on a treasure hunt and more topless women to boot.
Our journey into the realm of CardonaLand begins in the beautiful Amazon Basin where the great Hugo Stiglitz offers a rather silent and somewhat wasted role as the captain of a ship that travels back and forth, up and down, left and right. Yep, it's a man's life at sea, I tell you. On this barge, we meet Gringo (played by none other than Stuart "Onebrow" Whitman), a hardened (and some say loco) American who promptly awakens from his siesta and cuts off a native's finger with his trusty knife when the native tries to get into his bag without asking. The native then gets mad and tries to fight him, but winds up as alligator food (or were they crocodiles? I can't tell, I'm sorry). Poor dumb native sap. Jeez!
Curious about this potential loony, passengers Pedro Armendariz, Jr. and his younger trigger-happy business partner, Jorge Luke are told by priest John Ireland that Gringo was part of a treasure hunting expedition several years back who were attacked by a dreaded tribe of headhunters. Needless to say, only Gringo survived, escaping the jungle with the shrunken heads of his partners in a bag and stark raving mad (he should try riding the New York subway sometime--now THERE'S a life-altering experience).
Well, after docking in a small town run by Emilio Fernandez (who explains to everyone that he has a mysterious penalty for people that lie to him and that, if anyone discovers any treasure, he will confiscate a portion of it for himself and his country) and his multiple topless brides who are the daughters of his ex-bride Morimba (the lovely Sonia Infante) who is now leading Nazi war criminal Donald Pleasance around the jungle looking for--guess what? TREASURE! Good, now you're getting it! Hey, wait a minute, doesn't that mean that the old fart, Emilio, is sleeping with his own offspring? EWWWW!
Now somewhere along the line, we're introduced to Bradford Dillman, Ann Sidney and some other guy who are looking for oil. They manage to come across the remains of Gringo's buddies and a small pouch of diamonds and get bit by the greed bug. Bradford leaves in his hydroplane to go do something while Ann and the other guy decide to stay in the jungle amidst the headhunters (but hey, the scenery is breathtaking!). Later, after finding a cave behind a waterfall, they camp out in there after being attacked by the headhunters.
Okay, so back to "Onebrow" and friends... Pedro y Jorge have managed to convince Gringo to show them where to find the treasure. Competing to find the treasure against Donald and Morimba, Gringo leads his party via another route (after all, he DOES actually know where to go) and manage to kill both of their guides along the way ("Onebrow" shoots one as he tries to escape which is excusable and Jorge shoots one just because he's a trigger-happy moron - which isn't).
By the team our two 'good' parties meet up with each other, Ann's other friend (you know, the other guy) has been poisoned by a headhunters dart and has his head removed by the tribe as Ann runs to Gringo and pals for help. At the other end of the cave, the guys find a plethora of diamonds in a calm stream and start partying. Meanwhile, Bradford misses out on everything as his plane is having problems. Putz.
Well, it doesn't take long until the greed sets in and everyone wants to kill one another and take their share of the loot. In the end, Gringo (who hasn't shown any sign of wanting the diamonds in the river since he has a stash hidden from years before) and Ann run off, leaving Pedro and Jorge to settle on their own--to which Jorge is left tied-up on the cavern floor and becomes dinner for a bunch of little, devilish, ugly-looking crabs (a scene that'll make a lot of people crawl).
Pedro meets back up with the others and agrees with Gringo to split everything, which Pedro apparently thinks includes the white woman, Ann, when he begins to rip her clothes off with rape on his mind. After sitting back for just long enough to leave Ann in her bra and shorts, good ol' "Onebrow" leaps (excuse me, STAGGERS) into action and kills Pedro.
Okay, now things start to get complicated: Donald and Morimba meet up with the entire headhunter tribe after discovering a bunch of treasure and manage to wipe most of them out with his uzi and explosives (at least HE came prepared!). Gringo and Ann are attacked by some kind of seemingly flesh-eating insects that live on the water. Ann hides under Stu's recently removed shirt as he leaps (excuse me, FLOPS) into the water. Afterward, it begins to rain on them and they spend the night making out in the canoe (a scene that should be submitted to the "Most Nauseating Scene in Motion Picture History" if I ever saw one). Donald kills Morimba since she's done her job (Worried about paying unemployment for former employees? Shoot 'em! It always works for me!) and is later captured by Emilio (remember him?) who he lies to saying he found nothing. Uh-oh!
"Onebrow" and Ann return to the village and are treated to the sight of Donald hanging by a hook pierced through his tongue by Emilio as a reminder of what'll happen if they lie to him. Gringo lies anyway but Emilio lets him get away with it (and only half of Pedro and Jorge's share). It turns out Gringo hid his big share in his rifle and later shows it to Ann and they plan to move to New York.
As they depart from the Amazon, Bradford remembers he's still in the movie and shows up, the ecstatic Ann runs away with him (since it's always been him she's loved--after the other guy, that is). She also takes Onebrow's pouch with him but discovers he replaced the contents with sand because he anticipated that. She smiles and waves good-bye to him as they fly away--he gets three native chicks sitting around him and flips Ann and Bradford off. Way to go, Stu!
I found an Import DVD of this title, released by a company called Japan Shock for distribution in the Netherlands. The DVD is shown in a 1.33:1 Full-Frame format (unfortunate) and contains the (apparently) uncut English language (which it was shot it) version and an alternate cut in German (which is missing about 30 minutes). Both versions have optional Dutch subtitles (in which I learned that 'father' is spelled 'vader' - we would've figured out who Darth Vader was way back in 1977 if we knew that!). The theatrical trailer is also included along with a slide show presentation and a brief Rene Cardona, Jr. filmography on the back of the insert. The video and audio are fine, but nothing spectacular. As a note of interest, the trailer shows a scene of Donald hanging by a hook in the neck--obviously shot for more 'timid' audiences or something (hell, I dunno!).
So, bottom line: it's fun, it's cheap, it's Rene Cardona, Jr. folks. And if you want to get a hold of the DVD, lemme know. (Adam Becvar: bastardo@thegrid.net )